Trigger warning: It probably goes without saying but I talk in detail in this episode about my first miscarriage. If this is a sensitive subject for you right now, I feel you.  My heart is with you and your family. Please take care of yourself and give yourself space to grieve  Please listen if and when you’re ready. I truly believe that life’s greatest gifts come with the most difficult of circumstances. 

The original title of this podcast episode was “Life is messy (aka That Time I Worked in my Las Vegas Hotel Room during my Sister’s birthday weekend while Having a Miscarriage.)” Clearly too long. But, oh so accurate.

How do you know when you’ve strayed too far from where you belong?  If you’re like many of us, there will be at least one moment in life, where you stop and say, how did I get here?  What is happening right now?  This is all wrong. This episode is about one of my most poignant “this is not right” moments, and I’ll warn you it’s not the most pleasant subject. But, it has a happy ending. 

The Story of My First Miscarriage

The setting: the Stratosphere Hotel in Las Vegas, Nevada

The occasion: My younger sister’s 21st birthday weekend. 

My husband, Sean, and I were last to arrive at the hotel. I worked as an attorney at a large law firm at the time. Because I had to work late into the afternoon on Friday, we got stuck in tons of traffic. I brought my laptop so I could squeeze in some work on Saturday morning before heading out to a pool to bask in the sun and buy umbrella drinks for my sister. 

Now as if this wasn’t enough to juggle, there was another wrinkle.  About three weeks prior, I found out I was pregnant.  If I did not drink in Vegas at my sister’s birthday weekend, everyone would know I was pregnant (ha ha). So, we decided to tell everyone, even though the pregnancy was only like 7-8 weeks along. We thought we’d just do it right at the beginning to get it out of the way, then let my sis enjoy her weekend. 

When Things Go Awry

As we walk in the big sliding glass doors of the casino, I start getting excited to be here.  The stress of work and the long drive start to dissipate.  Up ahead, we see the lounge where my family is waiting for us to arrive and as we walk in further we see everyone sitting at a table.  They see us and I wave and…I feel wetness between my legs. 

My eyes dart around, and I’m trying not to look panicked.  Amazingly, I look I see the women’s restroom right there like 10-20 paces away.  (If you know how big Vegas casinos can be, you know what a damn miracle this was.) I smile at everyone and tell Sean that I need to duck into the bathroom after the long trip.  I go to the stall and there is blood, and I start crying. 

The Back Story

This was my first time being pregnant, and we were elated. It took me a year to get pregnant the first time, which I was not expecting.  (More on that another time.) I didn’t realize that when you get a positive pregnancy test around 4 weeks or so, that the doctor doesn’t want to see you until like the 6-7th week of pregnancy. 

Waiting to see and hear your baby’s heartbeat at the first ultrasound is a special form of torture. (Am I right?) Every day is like a week long. Our appointment was around week six.   My doctor squirts the jelly stuff on the stick and she’s moving it around, and clicking and taking pictures and measurements and then moving the stick around again. I’m looking at her and at this small black and white screen and back at her again.

Then, she finally stopped doing her doctor stuff and shows me a little circle, which is the yolk sac (it’s like the pre-placenta) and there wasn’t much else to see.  I asked what that meant and she said, well maybe it’s earlier than you realize. Confusion sets in.  Should there be a baby?  She says that at this point we would expect it, but let’s just see how things progress. 

Huh?

Blissfully Ignorant of Reality

Back then I was unknowledgeable about the roller coaster of pregnancies and was naively hopeful.  (Ignorance really is bliss sometimes. ) Knowing what I know now after six pregnancies and three kids, I would have presumed a miscarriage was imminent and I would have handled that weekend in Vegas much differently. 

Also, back then, I believed I should be tough and internalize all hard things. Reaching out for emotional support was not something I knew how to do or thought I was supposed to do. Anyway, knowing what I know now,  I may have went to Vegas and just kept my mouth shut. Or I would have cancelled and told everyone I was sick, or that I had to work over the weekend, which was true, and told my sister I would make it up to her.  But, back then, I didn’t know what I didn’t know.

What Do We Do Now?

So, back in the casino bathroom, I pull it together, dry my eyes, come out of the bathroom. We wish my sister happy birthday and give her a hug. I say that I’m so sorry, but I’m super tired and want to get to bed so I’m fresh for tomorrow.   Because my parents had checked in for everyone, we get our key and go to our room.

The doctor on call tells me that given what transpired at my appointment I’m likely having a miscarriage and that there’s nothing really to do at this point, but to sort of let it happen.  So that’s what I do.  We pretty much turn off the lights and go to bed. 

I wake up at 2-3 in the morning with deep, achy cramps.   I’m writhing and can’t sleep.  Eventually around 5am or so we just turn on the lights.  Sean goes down to the lobby and gets me some ibuprofen.

Time to Ignore What is Happening and Focus on Others

At some point around maybe 7-8am or so, I do the next logical thing I can think of, which is to grab my laptop and start working.  (I know, I know.) My thought process is that, if I’m going to join my sister at the pool, I’ve got to get the work done. I didn’t finish my work the night before because of the surprise, but I had a partner at my firm waiting to review pleadings. 

I’m struggling to focus. I start cramping again, go to the bathroom and then I come back and try to concentrate.  But, I can’t.  My mind keeps wandering off, and then I come back to reading court cases and crafting arguments.   As the morning goes on, my family starts texting me. Where are you? They are at the pool and want to know when I’m going to join them.

I’m in a Vegas hotel room with my husband and we are losing the pregnancy that we desperately wanted. I’m confused, and my body is hurting. I’m trying to be a lawyer and not let the partner down, but I’m also trying to be with my family. And, how am I even going to be at a pool right now? I can’t wear a bathing suit in public. Then, my brain snaps back to work. Who cares…I’ve gotta finish these pleadings first…I feel pulled in so many directions…and then there it was. The moment.

I remember looking up from my computer and taking a breath.  This is not right.  Something is wrong here.

When Nothing Feels Right

In that moment, I decided that I was done.  That I needed to stop.  That this was a lot, even for me..super woman.  So, I emailed the partner on the case with whatever I had drafted and said something to the effect of, I’m sorry, I’m not feeling well and can’t do anything else on this today.  I texted my sis that I wouldn’t be out until later that afternoon.  

I wanted to deliver, be dedicated, and give it my all. Also, I wanted to show up for my family.  Disappointing people is not something I enjoy. But, this was too much. Pretending that this wasn’t happening was not working.

My Doctor’s Advice 

Sean and I sat on the bed.  We watched a little TV, I think.  I would have cramps and head over to the toilet in the bathroom, which (get this) is in an open concept hotel room with glass walls, so there is no privacy.  But, there’s no other choice, and it’s fine.  It’s raw, it’s life. 

My doctor called and asked what was happening and how I was, and whether I had taken some ibuprofen.  And then she gave me the sweetest gift. She said, Theresa, it’s ok to be sad.  You really wanted this baby.  Yeah, it was early, but be sad.  Please, take the time to grieve. 

Up to that point in life, no one had given me permission to feel hard things.  I always just toughed through hard stuff. Or, I minimized it. I pretended to myself and others that I didn’t feel completely devastated. 

Taking the Time to Grieve and Process the Loss

I felt myself let go even deeper this time.  I have to tell you that because of the moments of giving up control and letting the sadness just wash all over us and being oblivious to anything else around us, Sean and I both remember this crazy weekend in Las Vegas with so much fondness.  It was kind of like we were in a little pressure cooker in that room (or at least I was). And then, it turned into a cocoon helping us grow. 

At one point, we were lying on the bed and we just started laughing at something that happened and in the moment it felt weird. Like, should I be laughing right now? This is a crappy thing that is happening! But, it felt good to feel things so fluidly.  We felt devastated and sad and hopeless. But, we also laughed and smiled and felt close and hopeful too. 

Incidentally, as we drove away from that weekend and into the desert, we both felt like we left the miscarriage there in that hotel room and were driving towards a happier future.  We now knew we could get pregnant and maybe things would go the way we hoped.  In fact, we got pregnant with our rainbow baby three months later. 

The Takeaways

There are three things I’d love for you to take away from this story. 

1. Miscarriages are hard.  So many women have them.  (My doctor told me 1 in 3 pregnancies end in miscarriage, and it is likely closer to 1 in 2.)  You are not alone.  Let yourself be sad and don’t compare yourself to others.  Maybe you think you’re too sad, maybe you think you don’t feel sad enough…you do you.  Just honor your own feelings.

• If you need permission to feel hard things, to give yourself space to process things that are difficult, you have my permission.  You don’t need it, but I’m giving it to you anyway.  Because I needed it, and a wonderful woman gave it to me.  And I hope if some other woman needs to hear this from you, you’ll pass it on as well.  Life is hard enough as it is, especially right now, without having to pretend it’s not.  And we all know personally the struggle that women have and we need to help each other out.  

• Life is so messy and we all struggle.  But, it doesn’t mean we’re not strong, capable and intelligent people.  We are.  But, we don’t control everything that happens to us.  And when we try to control everything, we fail miserably and frustrate ourselves in the process.  Life is messy.  But, that’s what makes it interesting and beautiful.  Because it’s how we grow and learn to persevere.  The struggle teaches us to appreciate the times that are easier. 

Thank you for reading my story. You are a rock star and you can do hard things.   Just remember to give yourself grace.  

*Quick side note: After I recorded this episode I heard the most beautiful saying. Grief is love with nowhere to go. (Sigh.) So true and lovely.

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